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Dr. John Gottman, marriage and parenting expert talks about a concept called an emotional bank account. I'm just going to say, love bank.
It's the idea that at the center of any relationship there's a piggy bank. We make deposits into it through positive interactions that build connection and withdrawals during negative interactions that strain the two people's connection. Dr. Gottman uses this metaphor with married couples. But I often think of it during daily interactions with kids.
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Some kids hear their names a lot. I recall a little guy in a childcare center who heard his name all day. "Sam, come down from there! Sam, walk please. Sam, stop it!" Sam had a hard time following the rules. His behavior and his attitude chipped away at the patience of us childcare providers. He needed lots of reminders. We started resenting that - resenting him.
I think now about how he must have felt hearing his name shouted across the room.
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She's shy. He's aggressive. What a good helper. You're a born leader. I'm a picky eater.
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My two year old is in the, "myself" phase. He doesn't want help putting on his shoes, opening the door or carrying his plate to the sink.
Lately he's started saying, "don't see me" (i.e. go away) when he's working on one of these new skills. I was a little shocked at first because I wanted to cheer him on!
Then I remembered Alphie Kohn. The dude who wrote Punished By Rewards and the article Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!"
Read moreSeattle, WA