Learning to be Assertive Starts on the Playground

May 12, 2015 Kai Kunkel

Photo by Rene Ramos/iStock / Getty Images

My daughter, Charlotte ran to the tire swing but another girl got there first. So Charlotte silently backed up to wait. A few other girls showed up and started taking turns with the first swinger. Charlotte backed up further.

As grown-ups can attest, it's scary to speak up for yourself.
Can't we identify with Charlotte's feelings of insecurity as she wished the other girls would notice her and offer her a turn? The last thing she wanted to do was to speak up for herself.

People often stay quiet and get mad instead of being assertive.
I watched an adult get overlooked at a fast food restaurant the other day. He didn't say a word to the (well meaning and busy) restaurant employees. He stood silent until he was so mad he shouted his complaints over the counter.

Tags Positive Discipline, Kindness, Emotional Intelligence, Social Skills

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How to Decide What to Do With the Kids Today

January 29, 2015 Kai Kunkel

Have you ever known (or been) a new mom who frets over what her baby eats? When I was that new mom and my little one ate only strawberry yogurt some days, I got a great piece of advice: Stop trying to balance each meal, balance the week instead. Over the course of a week she should get a wide variety of healthy foods. Sigh of relief. I love this idea so much, I apply it to kids' activities too.

Provide opportunities for a wide range of activities each week.
Some (nanny) kids are scheduled in tight. My families have always opted for a Simplicity Parenting approach. Lots of unstructured playtime. But I want to be sure that while we play the kids develop a wide range of skills.

Run through a mental checklist. Have we read? Run outside? Made art?
When setting out invitations to play for my preschool age kids, I run through a mental checklist of what we've done so far during the week and what's missing. Like this one:

Tags play, Art, Simplicity Parenting, Large Motor Skills, Small Motor Skills, Social Skills, Emotional Intelligence

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It's Okay to Micromanage the Kids (In this One Area)

January 23, 2015 Kai Kunkel

My last post was about how it's okay to ignore kids because they need free time to play without input from adults. That's true. But after really thinking it over, I believe there's one area where it's okay to micromanage.

Kids interactions with each other need our close attention.
How they talk to other kids. Do they call names? "You meany." Use threats? "I'm not going to be your friend anymore." Do they speak up for themselves respectfully and ask for a turn on the playground. Make eye contact? Say so when they're scared?

While kids interact, they learn how to be kind. Or not.
It's emotional intelligence and social skills kids develop when we stay close and coach them to be kind. And those are skills I want kids to get lots of practice with.

Tags Emotional Intelligence, Social Skills, Kindness

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Secure Your Own Oxygen Mask Before Helping Others (Prize Inside)

October 13, 2014 Kai Kunkel

We nannies don't have to teach kids how to read, write or multiply fractions. Instead, we teach them to:

Make friends
Use their manners
Take the right risks
Become independent
Fix problems with words
Bounce back from failures
Stay calm when they're mad
Be creative, courageous and kind
Persevere in the face of a challenge
Follow directions but think for themselves, and
Everything else they need to know to become awesome adults

No problem, we got this. On one condition.

Tags Brain Development, Power Struggle, Emotional Intelligence, Self, Calm, Professionalism, Behavior Management, Kindness, Social Skills

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The One Skill Kids Need to Resolve Conflicts

September 16, 2014 Kai Kunkel

"You always break my stuff!"
"If you don't play pirates I'm not going to be your friend anymore."
"Loser"
I know you hear phrases like these all the time. I definitely do.

Tags Behavior Management, Emotional Intelligence, Empathy, Social Skills

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More Kids is More Fun (Crazier Too)

June 3, 2014 Kai Kunkel

While the kids and I were finishing up lunch at the zoo today I noticed a nanny and her one charge come in and find a table. They sat down, didn't talk much, unwrapped sandwiches and looked pretty lonely.

Tags Play, Kindness, Social Skills, Emotional Intelligence

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Love Bank

May 22, 2014 Kai Kunkel

Dr. John Gottman, marriage and parenting expert talks about a concept called an emotional bank account. I'm just going to say, love bank.

It's the idea that at the center of any relationship there's a piggy bank. We make deposits into it through positive interactions that build connection and withdrawals during negative interactions that strain the two people's connection. Dr. Gottman uses this metaphor with married couples. But I often think of it during daily interactions with kids.

Tags Emotional Intelligence, Behavior Management, Social Skills, Kindness, Positive Reinforcement, Empathy, Calm

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One Small Change to Help Kids Build Emotional Intelligence

May 7, 2014 Kai Kunkel

Do you hear kids saying, "my turn" when they want something someone else has? I hear it said in a friendly way, often even without grabbing for the object. Pretty quickly the object is handed over to the kid who called, "my turn." Awesome. I love it when kids use words their words and work things out themselves.

But something about the phrase has been bugging me lately.

Tags Emotional Intelligence, Social Skills, Empathy, Kindness

4 Comments