A New Goal in Power Struggles

February 12, 2015 Kai Kunkel

My 5 year old threw her backpack and demanded I carry it home from school. She stared right at me, defiant. Heat rose up to my face.

In the past, I used power struggles to teach kids respect and responsibility.
I would have locked eyes with her, insisted she follow directions and laid out the consequences if she didn't. I would have wanted to teach her to be respectful of me and responsible for her belongings.

But my underlying goal would have been to get her to comply for fear that she may take advantage of me in the future and grow up spoiled.

She would have complied.

After really examining my own feelings during power struggles I set a new goal.
During such a power struggle I feel mad and righteous with a hardened heart. Those feelings are red flags to me that something's amiss. I thought through my motivation for using power struggles to teach respect and responsibility. "I'm afraid that she may take advantage of me in the future and grow up spoiled." I heard my fear.

Secure Your Own Oxygen Mask Before Helping Others (Prize Inside)

October 13, 2014 Kai Kunkel

We nannies don't have to teach kids how to read, write or multiply fractions. Instead, we teach them to:

Make friends
Use their manners
Take the right risks
Become independent
Fix problems with words
Bounce back from failures
Stay calm when they're mad
Be creative, courageous and kind
Persevere in the face of a challenge
Follow directions but think for themselves, and
Everything else they need to know to become awesome adults

No problem, we got this. On one condition.

Can Adam Wear a Dress? Kids and Gender

July 23, 2014 Kai Kunkel

The other day my daughter, Charlotte was drawing a picture of our family. Her three year old brother, Adam watched as she detailed a beautiful dress on the stick figure that was to be her. When she was done he said, "draw a dress on me!" Stunned, she turned to me and asked, "what do I do?"

How to Make Any Childcare Decision

June 30, 2014 Kai Kunkel

We make judgement calls all day long. To let the kids climb a tree or say it's too dangerous, to pull out the cool art supplies or stick with crayons, to respond to a child's tears with love or indifference. I often get dizzy trying to figure out how to make the right call. Here's a trick I use...

You Are Raising A Spirit Throbbing with Its Own Signature -Dr. Shefali

May 26, 2014 Kai Kunkel

I just discovered Dr. Shefali Tsabary, psychologist and author of The Conscious Parent. I dare not write much about her teachings just yet as they're too deep to wrap my mind around without further study. But I can't stay quiet about her work because I believe it's a game changer for parents and nannies.

She says our primary job is to help kids express their inner spirit regardless of how different it is from ours. Our challenge is to let go of our wish for kids to be like us, even when (and here's the kicker) their inner spirit's expression is embarrassing or frustrating to us.

When we see these two girls approach the easel so differently, can we applaud them equally even if we identify with one more than the other? When we do, they will feel our support and their spirits will shine a little brighter.

There's way way more to what Dr. Shefali is laying down and much of it comes from Eastern philosophy. I am eager to read her book and learn how to drop my ego to support the free and full development of my charges. No small task...I hope she's got some tips...I'll let you know.

Let Kids Save Face

May 16, 2014 Kai Kunkel

Some kids hear their names a lot. I recall a little guy in a childcare center who heard his name all day. "Sam, come down from there! Sam, walk please. Sam, stop it!" Sam had a hard time following the rules. His behavior and his attitude chipped away at the patience of us childcare providers. He needed lots of reminders. We started resenting that - resenting him.

I think now about how he must have felt hearing his name shouted across the room.

Be Sincere

April 24, 2014 Kai Kunkel

Rosie, a young nanny friend and I were sitting in an adorable Mexican restaurant when she asked me how to approach the fights her nanny kids had been having. I modeled some empathetic phrases she could use when the older sister feels hurt as well as a few questions she could ask to hold each child accountable for her actions. After talking through several scenarios, Rosie said: "I get it, I need to be sincere!"

3 Tips for Destressing

April 22, 2014 Kai Kunkel

I am a firm believer that our most powerful tool as nannies is modeling. Modeling kindness is at the tippy top of my list of ways to teach kids compassion. But I hadn't heard many practical tips to help us destress when our nerves are frayed so we CAN model kindness - until this week.

The Four Agreements for Nannies

February 26, 2014 Kai Kunkel

Have your read Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements? It applies nicely to our work with children.